What Say Ye, Gossips?

Photo credit: Tabbi Cat

Perhaps it is presumptuous to apologize for not having posted lately. Something about the peaceful memory of Jamaica temporarily stilled my urge to rant. Since school starts on Monday, however, I'm finding myself more or less back to normal.

Anyway, I was already feeling a little off this morning when I left the house, but after finding a "Sex Offender Notification" in the mailbox, I felt as though I had been transported to a bygone era -- specifically that of 17th-century New England.

Apparently, a woman convicted of a "crime against nature" has moved in down the street, right into the middle of Uptown. My first thought of course was that a nature offender might not find herself comfortable in a neighborhood where we all adhere to a strictly vegan diet, drive electric cars, recycle everything (with the loving support of Veronica White), conscientiously tend our compost heaps, boycott all pesticides, heat and cool our homes with solar panels, vote Green unanimously, hang our clothes out to dry, let it mellow if it's yellow, and travel nightly en masse to bless the River, whose present oily sheen moves us to tears. Such a person may fly in the face of all we hold sacred here on Annunciation Street.

My second thought was that I needed to know which of the many possible crimes against nature this felon may have committed, since the more specific information we have, the more vigilant we may be in preventing future transgressions against nature.

The information on the mailer led me to the website Sodomy Laws, which provided the needed information:

A. Crime against nature is:

(1) The unnatural carnal copulation by a human being with another of the same or opposite sex or with an animal, except that anal sexual intercourse between two human beings shall not be deemed as a crime against nature when done under any of the circumstances described in R.S. 14:41, 14:42, 14:42.1 or 14:43. Emission is not necessary; and, when committed by a human being with another, the use of the genital organ of one of the offenders of whatever sex is sufficient to constitute the crime.

(2) The solicitation by a human being of another with intent to engage in any unnatural carnal copulation for compensation.

Please send your prayers this way even if you find it necessary to avoid this area out of fear for your eternal salvation.